Dear Sam,
First, know that knowing you for the past few weeks has taught me the importance of staying honest and learning to be more outspoken. You express yourself freely, and I want to be able to do the same. I tried to be open during my time with him, but I guess the way he keeps most things to himself has turned me a bit more and more reserved each day without I even realized it. I have been suppressing myself from expressing my true emotions and thoughts, so that me and him won't have to argue about our clashing values every so often.
Now, those days are over. Or at least, I am trying my best to make it so. Please keep that in mind, because now I'd like to state what's been bugging me since last night. Like I said, I don’t want to give you less than the truth. You have given me new points of view, and this is my way of learning to apply it to my current circumstances.
Samuel, I don’t think it's fair for you alone to apologize for last night, because as much as you initiated it, I didn’t exactly stop you either. In fact, I think I have been enjoying too much of your care and attention, when at the same time I haven't actually given you any kind of certainty about our relationship. And it is simply not a fair trade. No excuse, period. Therefore, it's only logical if I take turn on asking you for an apology.
Here is another thing you need to know about me: I am a huge sucker for physical touch. Perhaps that should explain why I spontaneously touch your hand or pat you in the back when I sensed that you need some kind of encouragement. That’s what comforts me, and that’s how I usually comfort others. So when you hugged me and kissed my forehead that first time, as much as I questioned myself "Is it okay to do this so soon?" I also couldn’t help but craving for more.
Last night, the boundaries got even more blurry. One thing led to another and, voila, we kissed. I was a bit undecided at that time, but still, I gave in to the spur of the moment. Little that I know that I'll grow more and more uneasy that night, and even more the morning after.
I spent this whole morning contemplating about it. And I think I've found the answer to why I feel this way.
I do like you, and I love being around you. But my feelings to you haven't grown that deep. And I feel guilty for letting the both of us drowned in the heat. To me, this whole thing has been moving too fast and I don’t feel right to lead you into thinking that our path together is definite.
Being with you brings me back to the field; the one real game I've been unfamiliar with, having spent my days settled in uncertainties. I used to throw away my care about the future. But now with you, I need to set my eyes straight. I'm not fooling around anymore. Which is why, I want to get this right. I don’t want to rush into decisions. I don’t want to jump into anything, when I haven't been exactly certain with myself.
If you want to make this work with me, let me take my time on knowing you better. Let me show you my real self first before you decide to take this to another step. Let us test ourselves, is this a real feeling, or is it just a temporary passion? Do you really fall for me, or your ideas of me? Is that really you I want, or simply your affection?
So, what do you say?
Sincerely yours
Dirinya
*Surat ini ditemukan terpajang di kaca dunia tempat ironi menertawakan kita. Wahai tokoh yang datang mendadak, jangan terlalu lama larut dalam keterkejutan tapi saya harap anda mulai terbiasa dengan kejutan-kejutan lainnya. Kotamu begitu indah dan biarlah dia tetap menjadi indah*