Jakarta, 22 September 2023
Once upon a time miles away from where you seated a man with a broken soul lived with his vivid anger upon the world. He never spoke about his fears. He rarely spoke about himself. He made people laugh with his outgoing personality. He lied to everyone about how happy he was. He lied to himself about how he could overcome his painful life. He is a liar. His broken thoughts involuntarily took the best of him. He stayed all night to ensure that life would be so kind for a moment. It was impossible to stop, impossible to go back, and impossible to close his eyes or avoid seeing that there was nothing ahead but suffering and real death...complete annihilation.
Steady yourself! Courage!
Today or tomorrow sickness and death will come (they had come already) to those I love or to me; nothing will remain but stench and worms. Sooner or later my affairs, whatever they may be, will be forgotten, and I shall not exist. Then why go on making any effort?... How can man fail to see this? And how go on living? That is what is surprising! One can only live while one is intoxicated with life; as soon as one is sober it is impossible not to see that it is all a mere fraud and a stupid fraud! That is precisely what it is: there is nothing either amusing or witty about it, it is simply cruel and stupid.
No confession is holy no more. There's no such a thing. We may have confessed our sins to men but deep inside we may hide our biggest ones. The ones that we refuse to say it out loud. Isn't it an irony to have God's representatives in the world to hear and legitimize our confessions? I don't believe them. They are as sinful as I am. Those are all words with no meaning, for in the infinite is neither complex nor simple, no forward nor backward, or better or worse.
The art of shredding...
Should I lid another pill? I think I should. It's funny when caffeine works together with these substance in creating such a beautiful journey to the world I've always wanted. I used to call it a funny trip. It ends way too soon most of the times so I need to regain another one just to make sure I'm in the right way. Screaming in anguish...Pantera on my old stereo deck...Phil's voice brings back so many good and bad memories of my life. All of the sudden I feel warm liquid streaming through my left arm..it's blood...blood stains my shirt and the floor below me. I don't give a damn about it. All I want to do is just enjoying the moment where I live in. The trip is the destination. The raw power! I feel more live than death. Can you feel me? I take my old Converse and write on it: VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER in honour for my favourite quartet in this world of shit. These brown-red stains? Forget them! I can see beauty in pain and when I do, I feel infinite. When I'm rushing on my run and I feel like Jesus' son.
My heart beats like crazy. I take a look at the mirror and start talking to myself. This is it! This is the, beautiful friend! This is the end! Please make sure they'll put my favorite tees on me. I don't wanna be another casual looser in my casket. Please put The Doors on my funeral and let them talk about how they think they know me. All these people, they are the ones killing me.
I woke up at the hospital again.
ālea iacta est
Let's go back a little bit, shall we? To the time where we had no point of return in life. This is the biggest decision in your life that will put you in a position where you can't turn around a go back to the start. You imagine the great Roman emperor, Julius Caesar when he stood at the bank of Rubicon river. He knew he had to march his soldiers back to Rome but many of his legions allegedly advice the emperor not to cross the Rubicon. Yeah, people always have their counter opinion to every move that you will take either for bad or good. This one's no different. This great image of yourself in distress appears every time you go to bed. You can't barely breathing. You have to take an action against all odds. And so it begins. And end to a new beginning. The die has been cast. Take a step now, my son! Your dues are paid with blood and sweats. Those wasted youths are made for you to be a reminder of how a mistake can affected your life severely, joyously, and beautifully.
...from the cradle to the Garden of Eros....
In the corner of my room there laid the Great Sphinx starring at me with her lustrous eyes. Watching every move I made. She will remain outwardly beautiful while she commits fouls and evil deeds. The world loves her but not the nature. The world keeps her as a trophy while nature despise her with disgust. Don't get fooled by her nature but please be aware of her world. She offers you lust but you need life. You choose life, aren't you? A choice you made several years ago. Did something happen between you and her? Yes.
La gloria di colui che tutto move per l'universo penetra,
e risplende in una parte più e meno altrove.
A hostage to kindness from the cradle to the grave.
Enak banget lu! Tumpahin semua ke dunia lalu menikmati candu kenyamanan tanpa harus susah payah. Gak bayar pajak, cicilan, tagihan, dan iuran barang sepeserpun. Bukankah tidak menjadi adil kalau satu dari seribu mendapatkan kenyamanan tanpa kesusahan sementara yang lainnya makan lumpur tanah? Itukah versi adil surgawi? Menang lotere kehidupan namanya! Sudah saatnya kita nyalakan kembali obor revolusi dan ganyang mereka yang hidup nyaman! Ayo! Maju! Serbu! Serang!
Sementara mereka menjerit di terik panas berharap didengar, tidak jauh dari tempat mereka berteriak sebagian besar orang-orang dari golongan serupa nampak bersantai ria menikmati sejuk rimbun pohon petaka yang lebat daunnya, nikmat buahnya. Mereka tidak peduli. Buat apa harus peduli? Bukankah hidup hanya sekali ini saja? Jangan dihabiskan untuk membela hak yang tidak jelas asalnya dan menjalankan kewajiban yang tidak jelas akhirnya.
Petaka adalah berkah terselubung yang sangat bisa dinikmati kalau kalian tahu cara paling tepat untuk mengolahnya.
Sang Bandar besar nampak tertawa terpingkal-pingkal melihat tingkah polah konyol mereka yang berusaha memenangkan lotere dunia karena gagal dalam lotere kehidupan. Lotere dunia masih bisa didapatkan asalkan kalian punya persistensi dan kegigihan tingkat tinggi. Keahlian nomor sekian, yang penting tahan banting! Begitulah jaminan Sang Bandar kelas kakap yang tanpa umbar malu menggagahi moral mereka yang bertekuk lutut menghadap ke atas mengejar gemerlap yang entah dari mana datangnya.
Suara-suara berlalu dan tetaplah begitu sampai mereka yang sudah ada di langit membuat langit runtuh karena sudah kepenuhan kapasitas. Jika itu semua terjadi maka terlambat sudah...mereka yang hidup di neraka akan masuk neraka kembali. Selamat datang keadilan!
