We reject all notions of the existence of greater power. Our utopian world is simply only exist inside our naughty mind. This great unbearable pain. Who did this to us? Who lit this flame into us? Who are we? The legendary story of a man who is predestined to destroy himself but not defeated. This great obsession of being disappear completely is fascinating. Don't you think the same? We become unknown, a man without past nor future. We live forever inside people's mind through ideas, an invisible ones, the invisible ideas of perfection.
My darling, life is never kind even in your dream. We are born to to die. We can't choose and always ordered to listen. Sometimes, I imagine whenever I go to bed I have some sort of options about what dream should I dreamt of. Do you ever wake up with your t-shirt soaked in sweat? The first thing comes into my mind when I wake up is regret. It hurts. I wanna close my eyes and never to wake up again. I see diamond skies, purple rain, windy beach, and there's never a day go by without misery.
Is death will be the answer to all this unanswered questions? I'm afraid of dying. But this deep relenting permanent hatred of myself is keeping me away from you. It makes me feel unworthy, albeit briefly but still it only makes things around me crumble or perish.
"Oh Captain! My Captain!" he shouted. The ship is tilting hard to the left, uncontrollably, the men move to their stations trying to stabilize the ship.
This gigantic emptiness, episodic manic depression, and radical mood swings are sending me a message: It is better to be a non-existent than exist without love. Waves and waves of broken thoughts are flooding my brain with all the unthinkable acts to end my miserable life. I'm just a log floating in the sea. Madman with a great taste. Don't we all agree that taste can't be bought with all the materialistic things in the world? A thin red line that separates us from this obnoxious society.
Who's killing us?
Still here, I carry all my old burdens. I carry them, men, women, I carry them everywhere I go. I swear it's impossible to get rid of them. I am filled with them and I fill them in return. Now, if a thousand perfect men were to appear it would not amaze me. Now, if a thousand beautiful forms of women appeared it would not astonish me. Here is the efflux of a soul. The efflux of the soul comes from within through embowered gates ever provoking questions, these yearnings why are they? These thoughts in the darkness why are they? Listen! I will be honest with you. I do not offer the old smooth prizes but offer rough new prizes. These are the days that must happen to you: You shall not heap up what's called riches. You shall scatter with lavish hands all that you earn or achieve. You but arrive at the city to which you were destined, you hardly settle yourself to satisfaction before you are called by an irresistible call to depart. You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those who remain behind you. What reckoning of love you receive you shall only answer with passionate kisses of parting. You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reached hands toward you.
But one fine sunny day, don't know when or when you will remember that once a man with all his gentleness, kindness, and weaknesses said:
I give you my hand! I give you my love more precious than money, I give you myself before preaching or law. Will you give me your hand? Shall we stick together as long as we live? If there's a sequel, would you love me as an equal? Would you love me until I'm dead? Or is there someone else instead? Will you come travel with me through this endless journey? Let's change the world! It may not work but it sure is a fun trying.
Lalu dari balik mata yang sudah renta butiran air mata mulai mengalir mengingat betapa hidup begitu menyenangkan. Betapa dunia pernah sangat indah. Seketika kau memejamkan mata dan kau berada di sana. Di momen yang kau selalu harapkan bisa terulang kembali bersama dengan dia yang kau harap bisa hidup kembali. Derap langkah cepat ketika hujan membasahi kota Jakarta, suara tawa di tengah kegusaran kota, dan senyuman manis dalam kepahitan dunia kembali mengisi relung pikiranmu. Tarik nafas dalam-dalam dan tersenyumlah. Karena mereka akan selalu abadi di dalam kenangan yang eksklusif hanya milikmu seorang. Setiap suara, sentuhan, dan bahasa badan yang terjadi menjadi milikmu seorang. Nikmati itu semua! Di tengah kebisingan mesin-mesin kota yang terobsesi dengan uang, di sebuah sudut terkepung pencakar langit kita berdua pernah bermimpi tentang kesempurnaan di tengah kekacauan. Mereka berbicara tentang dunia. Mereka berbicara tentang kita. Suara-suara manis penuh cinta terus datang dalam bahasa yang berbeda.
Maka sempurnalah semua yang dirimu harapkan.
I ain't got nothing but regret. Do you remember when made those promises near the gates of your campus? The narrow street led us to a very strange feeling. We were lucky few. How I wish I could say something to you that evening. Maybe some pretty words that I used to say or maybe complimenting your look or just to tell you that I had a very great time and so glad that I spent it with you. My lips were sealed. Now, with these words I just want you to know that I had a pleasant time with you, that day, in Bandung, it was such an amazing experience. Thank you.
The desire of not exist. Thousands of people are disappearing completely every year. No traces, no words, no letter nor messages, no nothing. Where are they? Becoming victims of human trafficking? Probably. Or maybe they just have found themselves completely. They've found inner peace and make a peace with the situation that most people couldn't comprehend. Without judgment nor validation from the outer world. Ain't that pretty? New identity, new biography, new life, new name. I value those who have guts to erase themselves from the map and start a new endeavour in life. A rendesvouz with destiny. I remember a scene from a movie when the first known recorded blues music was listened by those who make it. When people from the National Library asked him about what he thinks about listening to his own piece, he said: "It's like...meeting myself again for the first time," and that's what a new life is. To meet myself again. That's the point of this great desire of not exist: scrap the old one and start a new one. How wonderful life is when you can press the "reset" or "rewind" button easily. This great imagination of being able to control time fascinate me even to this very day.